What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
