Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
