I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
