I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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