3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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