You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
