He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
did you just send me my own nude
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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