this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
