I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
