Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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