I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
