Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
