jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
