I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
