I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
