I hate all girls vehemently.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
