i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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