I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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