I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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