Taylor Swift is so right about you.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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