Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
