Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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