About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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