I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
