my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
sex in a hospital.. check
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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