he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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