Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
