i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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