Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
