he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
