absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
