I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
