I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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