Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
