she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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