It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
