Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
