She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
