Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
