i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
