I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
