Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
