Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
