meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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