I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
