Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
