dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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