She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
