Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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