Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
