He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
