and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
