You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize