We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
