Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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