Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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