I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
