drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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