if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the condom got lost in my hair
false alarm. still invincible.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
