:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Please don't give away my fajitas
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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