Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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