So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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