Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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