so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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