Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize