Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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